Narcissistic abuse is the projection of pain & abuse onto a narcissist’s victim. Narcissistic abuse refers to the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse inflicted by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on their partners, family members, friends, and anybody close in their life. Narcissistic abuse can take many forms and can be incredibly damaging to the survivor’s mental and emotional well-being.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by a pervasive set of thoughts & behaviors realted to: an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. People with NPD often have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships, as their self-centeredness and entitlement can lead to exploitative and manipulative behavior.
A Narcissist will turn abusive when they experience an ego bruise. Because Narcissistic Personality is rooted in a deeply traumatized ego, which comes from early childhood attachment wounding, when they experience an ego bruise during adulthood they will lash out. Narcissistic ego bruises are not logical or based on a set of factual data points, and narcissistists will often feel “wronged” by very minute things. And because the narcissist’s ego is so fragile, the survivor can often feel like they are walking on eggshells.
Narcissistic abuse can be difficult to identify and even harder to recover from, as the abuser often uses tactics such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation to control and exploit their victim. The abuse can be verbal, emotional, or physical, and can take many forms. Perhaps the most insideous thing about narcissistic abuse is that it is cyclical in nature, which can be very confusing for the other person involved (survivor*).
The above picture depicts the stages of narcissistic abuse in a cyclical nature:
“Walking on Eggshells” - The survivor will spend much of their time in the relationship feeling as if they are walking on eggshells. The narcissist will be tactfully building tension in the relationship, and setting off alarm bells that their ego bruise is escalating. There will often be a buildup of accusations & criticisms - this is used to justify a future blowup
“Blow Up” - The abuser will use tactful means of destruction - including gaslighting, manipulation, name-calling, rage, physical abuse, financial withholding to abuse their partner/child/parent/colleagues.
“Reconciliation” - The abuser will do one of three things
Grovel & “love-bomb” - this looks like tactful means of apologizing & taking accountability for their actions in a short-term way (buying the other person gifts, texting & calling multiple times, showing up at their home or work)
Gaslight - use means of manipulation to make the other person feel “crazy”, to deny the reality, or to make it seem that the abuser was justified in their reaction and it was never the abusers fault
Denial - as if the abuse never happened
“Calm Before the Storm” - Abuser will show good faith that they can be stable in the relationship, will avoid making criticisms & avoid means of manipulation ~ until their ego begins to bruise & the cycle will start over
Part of the reason narcissistic relationships can be incredibly challenging to break free from lies in the intricate cyclical nature of the abuse . The repetitive patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional turmoil create an endurance test for their survivor’s sanity and self-worth. As the survivor hopes for change and clings to slivers of hope, the cycle perpetuates, making it harder to escape the suffocating grasp of the narcissist. Recognizing and understanding the cyclical nature of this abuse can be a crucial step towards healing and finding the courage to seek a healthier, more fulfilling life beyond the toxic relationship.
Interested in learning more about how to heal from Narcissistic Abuse? Reach out to me at alanabarlia@intuitivehealingnyc.com to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. Or read more about my therapeutic work HERE.