When working with clients trying to leave toxic or narcissistic relationships, I often talk about “wedges”—those subtle yet powerful barriers that keep the door from fully closing on the relationship. These are not just fears or doubts, but deeply ingrained beliefs and emotional blocks that make the idea of leaving feel almost impossible. Even when someone knows they’re in a harmful relationship, these wedges hold them back from taking that final step.
But what are these wedges exactly, and why do they have so much power over us?
What Are “Wedges”?
Wedges are the mental and emotional roadblocks that create resistance to leaving a toxic relationship. They’re the thoughts that creep in during moments of clarity, making you second-guess your decision to leave or question your ability to move forward. These thoughts often come from a place of fear, insecurity, or a skewed sense of obligation.
You might have thoughts like:
“I’m too old to find someone new.”
“I won’t find someone better.”
“I’m afraid of being alone.”
“We share the same friends.”
“My whole family knows them.”
“I’m the only person they have.”
“They know where to find me” (social media, technology, etc)
“It’s been years—was it all for nothing?”
Each of these is a wedge. They sit between you and freedom, keeping the door open just enough for you to stay, even when you know staying is damaging.
Wedges don’t form overnight—they develop gradually, shaped by emotional manipulation, fear, and strongly ingrained beliefs. Toxic partners often use tactics like gaslighting to make you doubt your reality, undermining your self-esteem and creating dependency. Over time, fear of loss, isolation, and the unknown strengthen these barriers, while negative beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I won’t find anyone better” take hold. The longer you invest time and effort into the relationship, the more you feel trapped by the sunk cost, believing you can’t walk away without losing everything. Familiarity also plays a role—your brain, wired to favor the known, clings to the routines of the toxic relationship, even when it’s harmful. These wedges—formed from a blend of emotional, psychological, and societal pressures—create a powerful resistance to leaving, making the toxic relationship feel like the safest option, even when you know it's not.
Why Do We Have These Wedges?
1. Fear of the Unknown
One of the most powerful forces behind these wedges is fear of the unknown. Human brains are wired to seek comfort in the familiar, even if it’s harmful. The prospect of leaving a toxic relationship can feel like stepping into a void. The uncertainty of what life looks like on the other side is a heavy weight to carry, and the mind will often opt for what’s known rather than risk what’s uncertain.
2. Loss Aversion
Psychologically, we are more driven to avoid loss than we are to achieve gains. This plays a huge role in keeping us stuck. Whether it's the loss of time, effort, mutual friends, or even possessions left at their place, the thought of losing something can keep the door cracked open. The fear of losing even more becomes a wedge in the decision-making process, often making staying feel like the safer option.
3. Emotional Manipulation
Narcissistic and toxic partners are often masters of emotional manipulation, creating a distorted reality where you feel responsible for them or undeserving of better. These partners plant seeds of doubt that grow into wedges, making you believe that you are the only person who can save them, or that no one else will ever love or understand you. The wedges aren’t just in your head—they’re actively reinforced by the dynamics of the relationship itself.
4. Cognitive Dissonance
When you’ve invested years into a relationship, it’s difficult to reconcile the person you thought they were with the person they’ve shown themselves to be. This internal conflict creates a wedge, where your mind tries to balance the good memories with the bad, which makes it hard to close the door completely. You might find yourself thinking, “It wasn’t always this way,” or “Maybe things will get better if I just wait it out.”
5. Societal Pressures and Expectations
Society can often make leaving feel like a failure. You might feel shame about walking away from a long-term relationship, especially if there are family, friends, or professional connections involved. These external pressures create wedges of guilt, making you feel like you’re not just leaving a person, but an entire world you’ve built around them.
How do I dismantle my wedges?
I once spoke to a woman in therapy who had no idea why she was keeping the door open in her relationship. Every week they would get into a massive fight, she would leave the relationship, and then like clockwork he would find his way back in. She pled desperately with me t hat she absolutely did not want to be in this relationship – so what was going on?
It was only when we started really digging into her “wedges”, or the deeply held beliefs & logistical factors that were keeping her in the relationship, was she able to leave and fully remove herself from the relationship.
Understanding first what wedges are, and second what your personal wedges are in your personal relationship, are the most important initial steps to moving through them. Wedges may be logistical, fully rational, or deeply emotional – either way, they are real and they can make leaving feel far more daunting than it should be. However, once you recognize that these barriers are keeping you from a healthier, happier life, you can start to dismantle them.
It’s about recognizing that the things keeping you in the relationship—whether it’s fear, guilt, or uncertainty—aren’t reasons to stay. They’re emotional roadblocks, and while they may be real, they don’t have to define your future. By facing these wedges head-on, you can begin to close the door, one step at a time.