Narcissistic parenting occurs when the traits of somebody with Narcissistic Personality are projected onto their child. As explored in my previous blog post, Narcissistic Parenting and the Cycle of Abuse: Part I, there are specific traits exhibited by narcissistic parents. These traits include:

A.   Seeking excessive admiration

B.    Portraying unpredictable and chaotic moods

C.    Living vicariously through or exploit their child

D.   Lacking empathy for the child

E.    Belittling, oppress, and overly criticize the child

However, these characteristics become even more centralized when discussing narcissistic mothers, and the way they treat their daughters. Typically you will see a few patterns in the treatment of daughters:

A.   Being overly critical about the perception of their daughter (Is she pretty enough? Is she smart enough? Is she popular enough? Does she have enough friends?)

B.    Becoming enraged over any imperfection or perceived flaw in their daughter

C.    Becoming highly enmeshed and see the daughter as an extension of themselves, entirely unable to see their daughter in their own right, which in turn feels either oppressive and suffocating to the daughter or they feel invisible

D.   Experiencing jealousy, which may lead to criticism, isolation, or unfair punishment

E.    Being emotionally unavailable or neglectful

F.    Fostering dependency emotionally, mentally, and financially

Of course, there are long-term impacts of a mother's narcissistic behaviors on their daughters, and this treatment may become internalized throughout adulthood. I have come to understand the long-term impacts of a parent’s narcissistic behavior as a specific set of behaviors that I call the “narcissistic parent – inner child wound”:

a.     Perfectionism and people pleasing – this may show up in relationships, friendships, and at work. With a narcissistic mother we may have learned that being “perfect” in her eyes meant evading criticism. Therefor daughters of narcissistic mothers may be meticulous in their appearance, overachieve and burnout in their work, and show up inauthentically pleasing in romantic relationships.

b.     Lack of self-worth – years of belittling may lead to internalized shame and the core belief that we are not worthy of all things good in life, including authentic love and relationships, friendships, and abundance in our work life.

c.     Lack of identity and sense of self – years spent prioritizing the narcissistic mother will lead to a loss of sense of self and a loss of our needs on a core level, resulting in deep rooted codependency.

d.     Addiction and Dissociation – Adult children of narcissistic mothers are living with unhealed childhood wounds. It’s common that this much pain during childhood would lead to dysregulated nervous systems and the need for an outlet. Often times this results in addictive behaviors, substance abuse, and specifically love addiction.

e.     Guilt and Shame in setting boundaries – Boundaries were not safe to set with narcissistic parents, and as adults we may feel shame in setting boundaries in all facets of our lives – work, relationships, and friendships alike

There are actionable steps to achieve healing and recover from the long-term impacts of having a mother who behaved in narcissistic ways. Here are a few tools:

a. Inner-Child work – go back to the beginning and understand the inner-child wound that is still with you from the narcissistic parenting you endured. Journal, meditate, and speak to your inner child to help heal and recover from the pain.

b. Boundaries – Boundaries are a line we will not cross, and a line we do not wish others to cross with us. Set boundaries - not just with your mother - but with yourself and in all of the important relationships in your life. Identify 3 core beliefs that are limiting your ability to set effective boundaries with yourself and others, and then identify 3 boundaries you need in your important relationships.

c. Mindfulness and Breathwork – acknowledge that your nervous system is still responding to your inner-child wound and identify ways in which you can soothe your nervous system on a daily basis to feel more regulated and heal from the narcissistic abuse. This includes meditation, mindful movement, and breathwork.

d. Acceptance – Radical Acceptance is a practice wherein we wholly, truly, and fully accept in our mind, body, and spirit the reality of our life, our environment, and our relationships. The only way to heal, change, and ultimately move forward is to accept what is true. Accepting that our mother had a narcissistic personality means setting your inner-child free from the invalidation, gaslighting, and pain.

e. Lean on your support system – share with the people in your life what is going on and lean in to other loved ones and other model figures for support.

f. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Psychodynamic Therapies will be most helpful in terms of support for daughters (or anyone) who has experienced narcissistic abuse at the hands of a parent.

Although the shame you may feel resulting from narcissistic parenting is valid, you do not have to live with the pain. The above healing and recovery tools, in combination with a support system and/or talk therapy, can help you to build the self-worth you need to break free from the chains of narcissistic abuse.

Interested in learning more about how to heal from narcissistic relationships? Reach out to me at alanabarlia@intuitivehealingnyc.com to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. Or read more about my therapeutic work HERE.